I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
