One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
