she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
