i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
