You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
