I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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