the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
