turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
