Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize