So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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