giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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