Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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