Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
