I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
