I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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