so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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