your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
