i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
