I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So many bounce houses so little time
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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