I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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