don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
