Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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