i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
