we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
