So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
