she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I intend to get homeless drunk
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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