I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize