Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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