ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
