It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
