I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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