I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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