He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
