I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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