The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
