Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize