This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
