what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
