Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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