he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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