The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
