; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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