My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
