Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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