I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
