Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
