He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
