We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
