I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
