All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
