My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
