first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
