I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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