how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
