i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
