even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
