this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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