Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why do cheetos always look like penises
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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