I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
