Please don't use social media to get back at me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
