your room smells of hookers.
And success
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
