When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
