I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
