You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
