please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize