I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
