The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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