i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
