So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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