White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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