Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dignity is for republicans.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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