waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
